You Can’t Crap Your Way to Fitness

It’s that time of year again: Summer’s almost over and people haven’t lost the weight they promised themselves they’d loose last Summer, and desperation is setting in. You’ve probably heard the ads by now: Loose 5 to 20 pounds without exercise or diet just by “removing the wastes trapped in your colon wall like spackling inside a pipe…” It must be effective right? I mean, it’s expensive, uncomfortable and potentially fatal, so it’s a sure-fire solution.

Of course it’s all a sham. Nothing gets trapped in your colon - it’s not a sewer pipe. Just ask anyone who’s recently had a colonoscopy - and they have the pictures to prove it. Having a “blow out” won’t get rid of any fat, won’t make you any healthier and in most cases won’t even temporarily decrease your abdominal measurement by so much as a centimeter. Why?

First, a little basic biology. The colon, also called the large intestine, follows the small intestine and comprises the end of the gastrointestinal tract. Most nutrients from food are absorbed in the small intestine. The colon absorbs water and salts from the stool while it pushes it along through the rectum, which excretes it.

Laxatives and enemas, which promote bowel movements, have been around for at least 4,000 years and were famously practiced by the ancient Egyptians. That shouldn't be an endorsement; the ancient Egyptians also buried servants alive to attend to the mummified kings in the afterlife.

The golden age of the colon in America was in the late 19th century when—perhaps influenced by a new emphasis on hygiene and proper sewage removal—serious-minded doctors developed the theory of colonic autointoxication. The most famous of these was none other than Dr. John Harvey Kellogg (yes as in the breakfast cereal), and you can see his enema exploits documented in the movie “The Road to Wellville”.

The idea was that the intestines were a sewage system and that constipation, although never specifically defined, resulted in a cesspool within the body where food wastes would putrefy, become toxic, and get reabsorbed through the intestines. Some scientists also claimed that constipation caused fecal matter to harden onto the intestinal walls for months or years – 20 pounds or more worth, blocking the absorption of nutrients (yet somehow not blocking toxins). This latter claim that waste “sticks to the intestine wall like spackling on the inside of a pipe” is still made by charlatans to this day.

Constipation is indeed uncomfortable. But careful testing found that those symptoms associated with it and attributed to autointoxication—headache, fatigue, loss of appetite and irritability—were not a result of toxins but rather the colon expanding. The reason was mechanical, not chemical. A 1919 article in Journal of the American Medical Association by W.C. Alvarez, "Origin of the so-called auto-intoxication symptom" put these ridiculous ideas to rest once and for all. By the 1920s, colon cleansing was relegated to the realm of quackery.

Soon after, and still to this day, direct observations of the colon through surgery, colonoscopy, and autopsy find no hardening of fecal matter along the intestinal walls. And even in the most massive cases of constipation requiring a true surgical intervention (very rare) the record for feces removal is less than 5 pounds.

But, in this modern American life of comforts our ancestors could never imagine, you can't keep a crappy idea down.

Autointoxication makes sense today to those people who, for whatever reasons, believe that modern food is filled with toxins and that the pharmaceutical industry wants us to be constipated so that they can make billions of dollars unclogging us with harmful chemicals.

Those who advocate colon cleansing today present the exact same arguments as quacks of more than 100 years ago. Not surprisingly, they're still wrong. Their reasoning is spelled out on thousands of web sites that give no references to their claims that colon cleansing cures everything from arthritis to Zollinger-Ellison syndrome. Inevitably these sites include testimonials, then the opportunity to buy the cure.

"It's all just nonsense," says Dr. Brian Lacy of Dartmouth Medical School, author of Making Sense of IBS: A Physician Answers Your Questions about Irritable Bowel Syndrome. With product prices often topping $100 (and spa therapies sometimes reaching $1,000) Lacy calls colon cleansing "a very expensive and potentially deadly enema."

Lacy approaches the topic logically. If stool is toxic, then the roughly 15 percent of American adults with constipation would have significantly higher rates of disease and death. They don't.

There have been real, honest-to-goodness studies on colon cleansing in recent years, he said, but they all have focused on the potential harm: abscesses caused by too much water, rectal perforation and electrolyte imbalance. All that water, usually tens of gallons, washes out the electrolytes that the colon was built to absorb. The water also washes away beneficial bacteria needed for digestion, and not magically only harmful bacteria, as the proponents claim.

Being regular can mean hitting the toilet three times a day or three times a week; there is zero evidence that more bowel movements will make you thinner or healthier. If you are constipated, then a laxative can make you feel better. Laxatives also aren't necessarily healthy. There are kinds that shock the bowels into moving, kinds that draw water into the intestines, and kinds that build bulk. Many doctors recommend the bulk-builders as the best course.

While colon cleaning can make some people feel better, it doesn’t make one any less fat, and it certainly doesn't cure any disease; it's no more effective at relieving discomfort than an enema; and it is tantamount to throwing money down the proverbial toilet.

The Worst Mall Foods You Can Eat

Well, we’re back from our summer break now, and with the weather so hot I couldn’t help but notice how people are flocking to shopping malls –I was one of them. While I was there, I couldn’t miss the smell of food-court treats slamming my nose from the minute I walked in the door, so I know a lot of us will probably end up chowing down on our shopping trips – but be careful!

Here's the danger: Studies have shown that the more temptation people resist, the harder it becomes to continue resisting. That means after hours of being surrounded by tempting sales, special offers, and life-changing, one-time deals, your ability to resist the enticing edibles of the food court may be severely compromised.

And considering the calorie bombs we saw there, a lack of willpower in the presence of mall eateries can be a very dangerous thing. Based on what we saw, here are our nominees for "The Worst Mall Foods", with some eye-popping details from Men’s Health magazine:

"MOST FAT" in a Breakfast

Cinnabon

Regular Caramel Pecanbun

1,100 calories

56 g fat (10 g saturated, 5 g trans)

141 g carbs

47 g sugars

FAT EQUIVALENT: 8 White Castle Hamburgers

Cinnabon and malls are inseparable. But just because Cinnabon might be good for the Gap doesn't mean it's at all good for you. This dangerously bloated bun -- among these Fattiest Foods in America -- contains nearly an entire day's worth of fat and more than half of your daily allotment of calories. Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, so for god's sake don't eat this!

"MOST SUGAR" in a Drink

Smoothie King

Grape Expectations II (40 oz)

1,096 calories

0 g fat (0 g saturated)

266 g carbs

250 g sugars

SUGAR EQUIVALENT: 13 Dunkin' Donuts Chocolate Frosted Donuts

Smoothie King calls this a way to "snack right"; we call it one of the quickest ways to get fat! Even if most of the sugar comes from some form of fruit or fruit juice (in this case, ultra-sweet grape juice), the resulting blood-sugar surge (and inevitable energy crash) from this much sweetness may leave you struggling to find a stranger with some spare insulin you can borrow.

"MOST BAD STUFF" in One Bowl

Au Bon Pain

Large Macaroni and Cheese Stew with Bread Bowl

1,120 calories

42 g fat (19 g saturated, 1 g trans)

3,070 mg sodium

157 g carbs

SODIUM EQUIVALENT: 22 small orders of McDonald's French Fries!

Whether it's made from a giant fried tortilla or a massive hunk of sourdough, if your serving vessel is edible, you're asking for trouble. In this case, the bread bowl adds a belly-building 600 calories to what is already one of America's most decadent, over-the-top spoonables. If soup's your thing, you'll have a hard time keeping the sodium down no matter which bowl you order; good, old-fashioned tomato soup is as good as you'll do at Au Bon Pain.

"MOST CALORIES" in a Sandwich

Quizno's

Large Tuna Melt Club with cheese and dressing

1,820 calories

147 g fat (27 g saturated, 1.5 g trans)

2,020 mg sodium

85 g carbs

CALORIC EQUIVALENT: 12 Taco Bell Fresco Style Beef Tacos

Tuna off the grill or straight from the can is perfectly healthy; tuna drowning in mayonnaise, blanketed in melted cheese, and slicked with oily dressing is decidedly not. Not only does this sandwich carry with it nearly an entire day's worth of calories and sodium, it also contains as much fat as 49 strips of bacon. In fact, it's so bad that it was recently listed in Men's Health 20 Worst Foods in America for 2009.